Separating and divorcing couples with children frequently struggle with determining their parenting arrangements. “I am looking for the perfect choice,” you muse. Unfortunately, muse as much as you like, there is no uniform answer; indeed, there is no answer. Unequivocally, you cannot conjure up a composite picture of your family and then ask Chat GPT or a genie in a bottle to present the perfect solution. Each family is different—the parents are different, the children are different, the circumstances are different, the needs are different and on and on. Yes, you think, but there must be some guidelines, some ways to approach resolving this dilemma, to answer my question. Here are some suggestions for starting the “parenting plan” discussion.
Getting Started
•Never design your parenting plan around how much or how little support will be paid/received. This statement does not mean that each parent’s ability to generate income or the cost for childcare services and other child-related expenses should not be considered. It only means that when fashioning a parenting schedule, neither parent’s primary goal should be to pay less child support by having more time with the children or to receive more child support by having more time with the children.
•List all relevant information about the children’s present and future (if known) commitments (e.g., school schedule, activities, lessons). In addition, indicate wherever there is flexibility. For example, if a child goes to after school twice a week, but could go three times a week, there is built-in flexibility. The additional cost also needs to be listed and considered.
•List all relevant information about each parent’s schedule and where there is flexibility. For example, I can work remotely twice a week and I can choose the days. I can leave later on these days and be home earlier on these days. I can plan my travel on days when I do not have childcare responsibilities.
•Consider each parent’s current parenting responsibilities and, as part of the task, consider the other parent’s willingness and/or ability to assume the responsibility or to share in assuming the responsibility.
•Consider each child’s special needs and the tasks involved, if any, in meeting those needs
•Consider each parent’s preferences for physical custody of the children and try to discuss possible areas where there is flexibility
Living Arrangements
In general, physical custody can be divided into two major divisions:
A. In one arrangement, there is a primary residential parent. The children have a primary home although they may also spend time, even considerable time, with the other parent. The parenting schedule specifies when the children are with each parent overnight and also, if carefully done, during the daytime. The schedule outlines “switch” times and places. In addition, the schedule can provide for time with a parent or parents, including time when each parent has responsibility for a child, as well as time carpooling or coaching a sport or picking a child up etc. It can allow for extra, unplanned time with parameters for advanced notice and/or other terms to ensure that it does not disrupt a parent’s scheduled time with the child or a child’s commitments.
B. In the second arrangement, there are two primary residents. The label for this custody is shared or joint custody. Here the children’s time is divided between two homes. Variations can range in joint custody:
•Time can be equally divided between homes such that each parent has half of each week and half of holidays, vacations, and special days or each has a whole week or weeks. The point is to balance as much as possible the time between two homes such that the child has two homes, moving between them in an equitable division of time. The cautionary note here is not to “push” the balancing to the point that it does not make sense or is burdensome rather than fluid. If one parent can pick a child up from an activity or attend an activity more easily than the other, it is only reasonable to take advantage of the flexibility. Cooperative and collaboratively parenting is always preferable to rigidity for parents and for children.
•Time can also be divided between two primary homes in a disproportionate division—such as sixty/forty. The main takeaway here is that parents need to balance their commitments and the children’s in an effort to focus on the best interests of the children. Here it is advantageous also to consider work commitments and the family’s dependency on income sources. The children and the parents will not benefit if employment is jeopardized by child-related commitments. Parents need to think holistically in order to ensure the well-being of all family members, regardless of their living separately.
• “Nesting” is another variation of joint custody. In this arrangement, the children remain in one home and the parents take turns moving in and out of the primary residence. Nesting requires that the parents have another place to live when they are not with the children. Often parents rent another residence, where the children do not go. If there are sufficient resources, each parent can secure a separate “second” home for when the parent is not with the children. Nesting requires that the parents are methodical on framing requirements for each party when in the “children” home. What chores are each responsible for? What specific times will each be at the home and when will each leave? Are guests allowed? What bedroom(s) are used by each one and by guests? And on and on…
Summary
Parenting plans require careful thought and openness to adjustment when circumstances or changing developmental needs of children suggest that modification is needed. Parents who are able to look at whole days—mornings, daytime, evenings, and overnights—are best able to fashion schedules that provide for the children’s care and their entitlement to have access to both parents in as fluid a manner as it possible and feasible. Children, whose parents are able to cooperate and collaborate, will thrive despite the dissolution of the marriage. There are no victims—not children and not parents—when collaboration is achieved with thoughtfulness, resourcefulness, and grace.
